July 4, 2020

The Sark Football Team and Hovercraft Enthusiasm: Citation Needed 7×02

This is the Technical Difficulties, we’re playing Citation Needed.

Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it’s Chris Joel.


Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan.

♪ I’m in the old-fashioned bustlemy grandmother wore! ♪ He is, you know.

And the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray.

Willkommen, YouTube! In front of me, I’ve got an article from Wikipedia, and these folks can’t see it.

Every fact they get right is a pointand a ding and there’s a special prize for particularlygood answers, which is… And today, we are talking aboutthe Sark football team.


Island off Jersey! Yeah, have a point.

Have a point for that straight away.

– Do they play football?- Is it about their.



aagh! Yeah, but American football.

On a boat in Greenwich.

– What?- What? Cutty Sark.



No? Already? Shall I leave? Yes.

Yes, Sark is part of the Bailiwick of Guernsey.

Okay, fair enough.

What are the Channel Islands? Let’s start really, really far out.

Are they.



some islands.



in the English Channel, Tom? Yeah, you’re not getting a point for that.

– What?- What? You’re not getting a pointwhen I gave you the title! I don’t understand the question, then.

There’s something special about, sort of, how they… Oh, are you asking me what they’re called? Oh, Jesus f***.

There’s one called Jersey, there’s one called Guernsey, – Go on.

– .



and there’s one called St Helen’s? No.

– No.

– St Helen’s is near Wigan! You’re thinking of St Helena, and that’son the other side of the planet.

Okay, yes.




Alderney is the other one, yes.

Does one of them have a capitalof St Helena of Guernsey? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes! Yes.

I’m getting something right.

That’s my job! And the thing is, you’re wrong, it’s Saint Helier.

When you say, “What are the Channel Islands?” my standard answer is usually, “Occupied France.

” Yes, and have a point.

Absolutely, they were the only bit… Did you just give a point for that? Well, that’s one of the questions I wasgoing to ask.

They were the only bit of the United Kingdom, well, UK territory, that was actually taken by Germany in theSecond World War.

They were invaded in 1940, or ’41.

I forget the year.

I wasn’t there, why the f*** am I like that?Honestly.

In 1940, but in terms of Britain, what are they? Crown territory.


Have the point, they are a crown dependency, but they are not part of the United Kingdom.

♪ Tax haven, wider than a mile.



♪ Oh, sorry, I thought you weregoing for Goldfinger, there.

– Same tune.

– They are the same song.

And they are the same people that live there! Is Sark the one where you don’t have anymotor vehicles? Is it still bicycles and horses and carts? Oh, yes, absolutely right.

Sark is the one where cars are banned.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Gary BrannanGeneral Knowledge Edition.

The, “Gary’s mum and dad have been onholiday to the Channel Islands, ” edition, and I sat through the photos.

I need some slides.



So was that just, “And this is not a car, and this is not a car, and this is not a car.



“This looks like a car, but in the back.



“very large hamster wheel.

” “This looks like a car.

” Pull up the bonnet: horse.

Miniature horse? Yes.

Oh, cracking, want one.

Isn’t Sark one where it is technically stillrun by a lord? – Feudal.

– Feudal, I think it is something like that.

Oh, he’s getting all the points today, yes.

He’s on home turf here, come on.

Obscure crown territory facts, bring it on.

It was considered the last feudal state inEurope until 2008, when they reformed it, but yes, that will.



You own the island, thereforeyou own the people.

Yeah, pretty much.

Oh, please say they had a Communist revolution.

I know they didn’t but, you know? – The horses.

– A horsey uprising! 'The Reform', it’s referred to.



That sounds more ominous than itought t'be, really, doesn’t it? 'The Reform.

' It is all capitalised.

And if you didn’t like the idea, would that be Sark snark? Jesus.

Yes? No, it’s sark-asm.

When you’re negative about it.

Oh, guys, that deserved more, sark-asm, it really did.

There are a lot of old laws still in place.

They didn’t have divorce until 2003.

Was it separation of bed and table? I don’t know what that is.

That is the way you could organise a formof divorce pre-divorce being allowed.

You were allowed to live apartby the church courts.

Mensa et thoro.

Oh yeah, come on, it’s all in here somewhere! I mean, I'm.



Because you’ve just basically told me theentire first paragraph of a completely different Wikipedia article I haven't loaded.

So, yes.

Third time in three shows, by the way.

But how can you now get divorced on Sark? You can murder the other person.

Not technically a divorce.

I reckon that was always an option, you know, mate.

Oh! Leave.

Get divorced, come back.


You can now get divorced in Guernseyand come back to Sark.

“Those liberal Guernsey b******s, ”they probably think.

Having been out on islands like that, when I was on holidays a few years agoI went out to one of the Hebridean islands.

I went to Coll, which is a similar kind of thing, very small island.

They have a very slightly larger neighbour, Tiree, who they see as being stuck up, because A, they have the Co-op, and B, they have the policeman.

And what happens is when the policeman getson the boat to come over, they phone up the island, and everyone hidestheir non-registered cars and stuff until the policeman has left.

And now you’ve just ratted all of them out.

Yeah! Get over there, policeman from Tiree, come on! But by the time he’s got there, they’llhave hidden them again.

Hidden the cars, yes.

Somewhere on that island, the phone's just.



“Oh, we said not to tell anyone!” “Gary, we told you.



!” We briefly mentioned the economy, what isSark’s economy driven by? Horses! Sarcasm.


Yes, and you also said that earlier, financial services.

Eh, kids? It has.



a low amount of tax, let’s say that.

How long do you have to live there? It’s got to be over a number of years, probably.

I’m guessing owning a tiny, tiny, tiny, tinyfraction of a bit of land counts as living there.

Three months in a tax year.

Okay, fair enough.

If you’re there for 91 days, you’re good.

You’re a resident, you get their tax laws if you want them.

Don’t do this, I’m really crap at tax stuff.

Do they have to be.



I’m rapidly figuring out if I can do this, the answer is almost certainly no, but I’m thick as mince.

Don’t let me near this.

Just a sec.

This means all your tax savings could be spenton getting a hovercraft there, and then you could get a hovercraft there, and that would be fun, because it’s a hovercraft.

It is quite a long way away.

Tom, Tom, Tom, please can I havea go on a hovercraft? What we’re saying is we all want a go ona hovercraft.

And I think I can arrange that, but.



Ooh! Smash cut to.



I’m more worried about Matt’s tax advicesystem here, which is – “Yes, we can save you money for a hovercraft.

”- Hovercraft, hovercraft, hovercraft.

Like, it’s not the worst tax adviceI’ve ever heard, but… If we did, we could do a show on a hovercraft, it would be ‘on air’, because it’s… It’s a golf clap.

It’s a golf clap.

It's a good four.

I’m not biscuiting that.

The legal system on Sarkalso has something called.



er, I’m going to try and pronounce Frenchagain here, which is never great.

Oh great.

The Clameur de haro.

Clammy arrows? Is that along the lines of the hue and cryfor a criminal, or something like that? Oh, it’s connected to hue and cry.

I’ll absolutely give you a point for that.

Yes, for apprehending a felon, or something like that, no? Ah, not in this case, butwhat is the hue and cry? Hue and cry is an ancient thing where in acommunity you would be responsible for raising the hueand cry if someone had committed a crime and was passing through your community.

It’s, “All pile on, ” basically, in alegal term.

Right, so it's like the law, but on a small island where the law operateslike American football.

This is not on Sark.

I should point out for a hue and cry, all able-bodied men, upon hearing the shouts, were obliged to assist.

Oh, that sounds like so much fun.

This is the hue and cry, though, this is notClameur de haro.

A-r-r-o-w? No, h-a-r-o.


This is kind of the opposite.

This is not going to catch someone, this is to stop someone.

Ignore someone.

I was going to say, professionally ignoringcrimes.

Wait, tax haven! “Hovercraft, what hovercraft?” “It’s disguised as a barn, officer!” No, it’s disguised as a load of money.

Is that a formal way of saying, “Geroff my land!”? Yeah, go on.

It’s not, “Get off my land, ” but yes, it is a formal Thing that you Do.

This is annoying me, because I half know this.

It’s some kind of judicial process where you effectively bring someonein front of the king to adjudge on a land case orsomething like that, isn’t it? It is, it's a very specific process.

The procedure is performed on one’s knees.

Steady everyone.

Before at least two witnesses, in the presence of the wrongdoer, and in the location of the offence.

All right? The Criant, the person complaining, with his hand in the air must call out, “Hear me, hear me, hear me.

“Come to my aid, my prince, for someone does me wrong.

” – Yes.

– That’s a hell of a safe word.

Try speaking that through the orange, yeah! Followed by reciting what well-known thingin French? Lord’s prayer.

Yes, absolutely right.

It’s been done recently, this.

– Yes it has.

– This is why I’ve heard of it, it’s because it’s insome kind of land dispute, and it’s something like a hedge or a garageor something like that, and the guy is basically on the verge of losing the case, and as one final, basically, legal dick movejust dropped to his knees and did that.

And everyone went, “Oh, s***, that’s still enforced.

” That kind of thing.

What happens after theLord’s prayer is recited? What does the person they are challengingneed to do? Based on what’s already gone before, presumablyadopt a backwards crab position, walk in a circle on a full moon, but any other time of the year, you have togo completely rectilinear, and shout something, yeah, let’s go with Latin.

It is significantly simpler than that.

Most things are! There are people in this room with doctoraltheses that were easier to complete than that.

Do they just go, “Right”? Yes, that’s basically it.

They just have to stop what they’re doing.

Regardless of whether they are legally entitledto do it or not, if that is used they have to stopand it goes to adjudication.

Wouldn’t you if someone got on their kneesand did all of that? Yes, to be fair, yes.

Yeah, but only to watch! As the bulldozer rumbled towards them, yes.

And if you call without a valid reason, you pay a fine.

If you call and, er.



How much is the fine? I’m going to say this, is it one that’sbeen set a long time ago? Yeah, two guineas! It’s either ludicrously cheap, or ludicrously expensive.

It doesn’t actually say.

It just says, “a penalty”.


You just have to take a free kick.

Hang on, didn’t we start onthe football team, like, 20 minutes ago? Yes.

Where I was going to bring this back to ina little while, but we got onto the legal system of Sark atsome point, so.

Hold your horses! Yes! Thank you.

What, they have to take a set of penalties, and it’s best of six or something? Yes, I’m going to pass it to you.

Every time the other team scores, the entire Sark team does that.

Well, that would be quite difficult.

What’s the population of Sark, roughly? Don’t forget some of them are only there91 days of the year.

Well this is what I’m trying tofactor in here.

Though they probably send the butlerto play for them.

I was going to say something like 150, butwhen you count actual residents, if it’s so easy, it could be in the thousands.

It’s about 600 people.

So, as you can imagine, the Sark footballteam does not have a lot of people who are highly qualified to play football.

– Correct.

– Are any of them horses? The Sark football team are all human.

Starting at base principles here.

Who do they play against? Other football teams.


I’m not giving you a point for that.

(F*** you!) Oh, is it the Channel League? Anyone who wants to come over and play them.

Hang on a minute.

Hang on chaps, do we know seven other people? I’m getting an idea here.

Yes, same.

Hovercraft? From what I’ve heard of this team, do weneed another 11-minus-4 people? Ah, good idea.

You’re absolutely right, I’m going togive you a point for islands as well, because their international matches were in2003.

There's four of them listed here.

They’ve done international matches? Against Gibraltar, the Isle of Wight, Greenland, and a place.



I’m going to mispronounce the vowel in this, called Frøya.

Frozen yoghurt? That’s ‘froyo’.



! They lost 2-1! They lost to Sorbet United.

Absolutely done over by Yop, yeah.

So they had these four matches in 2003.

How did they do? All conclusive losses.



How conclusive? Very.

Yes, I'm going to.



Like, double digits.


Was it because Gibraltarare a full nation now? So Gibraltar must have pasted at least 20, or something like that.

19-0, I’ll give you a point for that.

It was 20-0 against the Isle of Wight.

20! Full FIFA member, Isle of Wight, love it.

Greenland, 16-0 against Sark.

Frøya, 15-0 against Sark.

They still tried! Lads.



“No, no, we’re going to do it today.

” They still turned up.

Which is more than the England side do(!) Lads, we could do this.

I’m sorry, we could be the first team togo over and get beaten by Sark.

Yes! Yeah.

Goes on the list.

– Yep.

– We would get in all of the Sark papers(!) – We would.

– We would.

Dibs on goal.

Oh, no, I’m ex-keeper.

– Yeah, Gary is, actually.



– I don’t care, I called dibs first.

Well, that’s fair.

For one thing, we don’t want an ex-keeper.

We want somebody who’s not going to botherin goal so they win! Pull me up front! To be fair, that is how it also works in theEngland team.

“Dibs keeper”! Right, I’ll book the hovercraft.

We can, no, I am genuinely up for this s***.

I will do this.

Put it on the list.

I would love to have that, as the first teamto lose profe.



We’re not from an island, that’s the only problem.

We’ll go and stand onthat one in Peasholm Park, put up a flag, take a picture and.



Oh, yeah! Do you have a phone number for.



Sark? I reckon they have more than one phone, you know? Shall we ring them now? “Lads, lads, the phone’s ringing!” Entire town.

“Yes?!” What happens is, he takes the message, sounds a bugle for the lord to come down andbe read the proclamation.

“Hue and cry!The mainland have challenged us to football.

” “A duel of footer, you say?” He says, in his big chair in his hall, asI imagine he still has.

Shall I ring Sark now? – Yes!- Yes.

– Do it.

– There’s no signal, there’s no signal.

It’s a genuine thing, right? You’ve been playing good people, it hasn’t worked out.

We’re s***, right? And we know we are! Yeah!♪ We're.



♪ We’re Peasholm Park United, take it on.

And on that, congratulations, Gary, you winthe show.

Whoo-ah! You win a bright orange thing for a largemustelid to bounce on in isolation.

It’s a tangerine wolverine quarantine trampoline.

So, do enjoy that.

With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel.

Oh! Yeah.

To Gary Brannan.

To Matt Gray.

Good-bye-bye YouTube.

I’ve been Tom Scott, we’ll see you next time.


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